[tim-pah-num]
noun
The muffled protestations of a child silenced with a firm hand, midway through a bout of lauds.
Author Archives: doctorludo
Accidie
[ak-si-dee]
verb
To try to come to an opinion on a matter of no objective importance, but which those seeking an opinion deem vital.
“Hmm, I think the blackcurrant squash would better suit the bishop’s visit. Purple, you know. To be honest, Marjorie, I think that orange is frankly silly. What do you think, vicar?”
Custumal
[kuhs-choo-muh
l]
noun
An ancient church fete event, which has always been played for living memory, and may predate the Bible.
E.g. Bat the rat.
Catechumens
[cat-eh-cyew-mens]
noun
The chewy sweets placed on a Christingle orange.
Ballflower
[bawl-flow-uh]
noun
Unpleasant green object retrieved from the roof of the church hall during its bicentennial maintenance and which may once have been a football.
Super-arch
[soopuh – arr-ch]
adjective
The highest possible level of affected piety. Seen exclusively on Songs of Praise, presumably after 17 rehearsals of the same song have murdered any true enthusiasm for the content.
Hammer-beam
Lauds
[Lords]
noun
Embarrassingly loud children’s stage-whispers, uttered during silent prayer and audible to everyone in church and some outside.
“Muuuuummm, why has that lady got a lump on her nose?
Mum? Mum?…”
[Pause]
“Muuummmmm, why did you just tell me to shut up or you’d dunk my head in the font?”
Abjuration
[ab-jer-ayshun]
noun
Question asked by a child, the answer to which involves either blatant heresy or a theology degree.
“If Jesus was God, how did He pray to himself?”
Diffinitors
Young responders to questions addressed to a group of seated children.
In tests, 8 out of 10 diffinitors answered “Jesus” to every question.
New Wineskins Dictionary 