Tympanum

[tim-pah-num]

noun

The muffled protestations of a child silenced with a firm hand, midway through a bout of lauds.

Custumal

[kuhs-choo-muhl]

noun

An ancient church fete event, which has always been played for living memory, and may predate the Bible.

 

E.g. Bat the rat.

Catechumens

[cat-eh-cyew-mens]

noun

The chewy sweets placed on a Christingle orange.

Ballflower

[bawl-flow-uh]

noun

Unpleasant green object retrieved from the roof of the church hall during its bicentennial maintenance and which may once have been a football.

Hammer-beam

[hamm-uh beem]

noun

The loudest (and therefore most popular) item amongst the indulgences.

Abjuration

[ab-jer-ayshun]

noun

Question asked by a child, the answer to which involves either blatant heresy or a theology degree.

 

“If Jesus was God, how did He pray to himself?”

Diffinitors

 

Young responders to questions addressed to a group of seated children.

 

In tests, 8 out of 10 diffinitors answered “Jesus” to every question.

Benefice

[beni-fiss]

noun

Money leftover when the donations plate from the coffee server has been offset against the coffee.

All benefices must be submitted nationally, and are used to buy the Archbishop of Canterbury’s Christmas present.

This year, he got a box of Celebrations.

Apparitor

[app-arri-ter]

noun

A person who pretends to be a ghost whilst part-way through robing up in the vestry.  i.e, at some point, anybody who has ever robed up.

This is a liturgical equivalent of men in suits pretending to be James Bond.

 

Hyperdulia

[Hy-puh-doo-lee-uh]

noun

A child who continuously disrupts a Sunday School with prescient yet unanswerable questions. The older sibling of a gablet, and nemesis of anyone attempting to teach biblical literalism to children.

“…And so Noah took two of every animal on to the ark for 40 days…”

“Where did they put the poo?”

“Erm, they threw it over the side. Anyway, after it stopped raining…”

“So what did the dung beetles eat?”

“Erm, they saved a little bit for the dung beetles. Anyway, Noah took a raven…”

“Did they have any stegosauruses? And diplodocuses?  And trilobites?”

“Yes. No, wait…”